I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
