I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
