good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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