my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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