I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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