We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
