I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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