I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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