Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I will die if light touches me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
