saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
