Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Is it because I queefed?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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