I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
