I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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