you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
