She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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