i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
