Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize