nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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