the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's get the cat blown out
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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