does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
