I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
