Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
