I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
