Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
time to smoke my breakfast
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
