it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
