my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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