I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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