textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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