just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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