i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
