Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
