I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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