I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
