im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Your dad touched me again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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