Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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