Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
