the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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