i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Did I show you my penis last night?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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