I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
