i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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