he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
