I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
