I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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