I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
