I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Randomize