I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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