my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize