is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
