Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
