I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
