woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This baby is an asshole
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
