who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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