i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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