vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
