So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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