i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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