I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
how does that bad decision feel?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
