my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
