That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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