I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
