My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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