I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Two words: nipple clamps
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