note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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